Keep my Hands Open

Something else occurred to me a couple weeks ago. It was really late and I was sitting in my cozy little nook in my room writing in my prayer journal. I came to a certain subject that had me quite worked up emotionally and was just weighing too heavily on my mind and heart. I lifted the pen and started crying out to God. "Please, God, just take it away. I need you to just take it away," was my plea. How often do I ask God to do such a thing, but in reality I want him to change the situation so that it makes me more comfortable? How often do I ask God to control something, when really what I'm asking is for him to make it go 'my way'? How often do I ask God to take something, when all along I'm still the one that's clinging to it for dear life? And that's when it hit me.

I need to keep my hands open at all times. 

The Lord gives, and he takes away. All the time he does this in our lives; it shapes us into the people he's called us to be. He may give us one thing for a little while, but then once its season has passed, he removes it. Other times, after he removes it, he brings it back once we're ready to handle it again. But all the while, we must keep our hands open; for, the things that he gives us -whether it be time, money, relationships, or any other good thing - still all belong to him! 

If I try and clench my fists around something that he has blessed me with and deceive myself into thinking that it is allll mine...well it's going to be a lot more painful for me if and when the time comes for him to take it away. Have you ever tried to get free something in the tight fisted grasp of someone else, especially a small child? It can be a long painful process that is essentially unnecessary. It is especially unnecessary when the one who is trying to take it away has something better to put in its place! And that is what God does: He gives and takes away things in our lives at just the right times all for our GOOD. 

What's more, say God takes something away and gives you something else; however, unbeknownst to you, later on he plans on returning it. Well, if we close our hands around whatever we're holding on to and claiming as our own, that leaves no space for God to continue giving new things or returning things that we once had because our hands are closed! 

I want to be someone who always has my hands open ready to encounter God and to receive the things he wants to give and to freely let go of the things he want take. If I constantly have my hands open, blessings will flow much more smoothly. I think, that if my hands are open, then when it comes time for him to take something away, I'll be ready and it won't hurt as much- if at all. If I keep my hands open, then I think it will keep my heart open as well. An open heart is one that in all circumstances is ready to trust in and praise God and to love people. An open heart is one that is more easily molded to look like that of Christ, which leads to a clearer representation of the Gospel in this fallen and sinful world. 

Needless to say, after this all hit me, my plea became, "Keep my hands open, Father. Please, just keep them wide open."

I hope this was as encouraging to someone else as it was to me.

Blessings to you!

Sarah

Changes in Excitement...

Today is the second time that I have started to compose a post...the first post after returning to the US. However, it is probably about the fiftieth time that compelling ideas and topics have come into my mind and, after having digested them awhile, had the resolving notion of, "I think I'll put that in my next blog post." Well, it's been nearly two months since I've been back, and I'm just now getting around to it...

My journey home from Austria was highly segmented, I feel... First there was leaving Hollabrunn and saying 'aufwiedersehen' to the Gehrings. Then there was  leaving Vienna and flying into Dublin. Then there was the long bus ride (with WiFi!) from Dublin all the way up to Coleraine, Northern Ireland (NI). Then there was being reunited with Jillian. Then there was meeting all of the CSSM team members. Then there was the two weeks of "working," a.k.a going to the beach, playing circle games, and having water fights and messy quizzes, with 13-17 year old students and sharing with them about Jesus all whilst bonding with aforementioned team members. Then there was the end of the team and taking down the tents and getting to see Lauren and Andy. Then there was the New Horizon conference (amazing free christian conference in NI) and seeing Gareth and Chad and some more member of the CSSM team. Then there was the day in Belfast. Then there was the bus journey from Belfast to Dublin. Then there was the flight from Dublin to Chicago. Then there was surprising my parents by entering from another direction but then their own little surprise directed right back at me in the form of Jessi! Then there was my first supper and round of expository conversation at Chipotle. And, finally, there was the ever so familiar 2.5 hour drive from the Chicago suburbs to Dunlap and all its corn and soybean fields and, of course, my cute little white house.

During all of these segments, my head was all abuzz with all sorts of things. To say that I was missing people and places at each stage would be an understatement. To say that I was wishing that everyone could just fit into my suitcase would not do them enough justice. To say that I was becoming more uncertain and excited and slightly anxious about returning to America would not even begin to scratch the surface. I was about to come back to a place that I hadn't called home in eleven months, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. There were a lot of unknowns in nearly every category of my life. How had people changed? Were people going to understand me or at least try to? Was I going to cry a lot? When was I going to find a job and start paying for stuff? What church was I going to go to? How was I going to keep in touch with all of these people hours and an ocean apart, and who was going to make an effort in keeping in touch with me? How would it be living at home with my parents again, when I hadn't for basically five years? And, most importantly, after changing positively in certain ways while being away, were those changes going to stick now that I was back? All of these questions and more floated in and out out my mind all throughout the culmination of my time abroad. Sometimes I stayed on them long enough and tried to come up with workable solutions, or in some instances the many steps to a final solution. Now, after almost two months, I do have some answers. Some...

People had changed, but not dramatically. Dramatic is a word better used to describe the changes in certain circumstances rather than certain people.
Some people understand me and some don't, but most of them at least try.
I did cry, but not a lot; there were also those times that I wished I could cry but couldn't - such a girl thing.
I got a part-time job at a clothing store, which I actually really enjoy; I'm still applying for full-time jobs.
I decided, as of a few days ago, that I'm staying at Peoria First Nazarene and helping out with the youth group and possibly music stuff too! Yay!
I got a smart phone the day after I got back with lots of fun (and free) chatting and messaging apps.
Being twenty-three and living with your parents has it's ups and downs, but I'm trying to focus on the positives, of which there are indeed many.
All the rest, I just try and take a day at a time.

About two weeks ago I think I was starting to crack at the seams. Someone asked me, for the hundredth time, "Are you excited to be home?" I gave what was probably an unconvincing "yeah" as my answer, but the real answer was a resounding "NO". That word, 'excited', and all its variations are no longer what I use to describe being back, and it hasn't been for a good while. I think the 'excitement' wore off after about a week or two into my new job. Don't misunderstand - I like my job just fine, but the novelty has worn off, and so lately all my life had really consisted of was going to work and being at home doing...well, not a whole lot. I hadn't seen a lot of my friends all that much, unsure of their new schedules and being to lazy to ask, which is clearly my own fault. I felt like I had all this energy and motivation to do stuff with people but no where to expel it, which was then in turn draining me, making my true extroversion shine. And then things started looking up. All in the span of one weekend. Lauren gave me a good life coaching session and then later that night I met up with her and Caroline and a couple new faces at a pub. Then there was the Pumpkin Festival and seeing more good friends...you get the picture. People were coming back into my life. I realize that I won't get to see everyone as much as I'd like to or as much as I used to, and that's okay. I just have to make the most, even more, of the times when I do get to see them. And now, finally, there is the excitement of committing to and getting involved in my church. I feel blessed with the opportunity, and I know God's got big things in store.

There's no doubt:  Life was EXCITING in Austria and in NI. But it is here too... It's just different, that's all. And different isn't always bad; I, of all people, should know that by now.
Until the next time...

Sarah

There Goes Another One

Another month is has nearly passed. I have been trying my best to fill my days with productivity in one way, shape, or form. In no particular order- writing in my journal, playing guitar, reading, running, being outside, and spending quality time with everyone I'm in contact with seem to be what constitute as productivity for me. I've also spent some time looking at possibilities of what may happen when I'm back in the States. A while ago, I had sort of unofficially decided to wait until I was back to seriously look at and apply for jobs. Well, then my parents sent me a few different things and told me to look on this website and apply for this, etc. I put it off and didn't really say much in reply. I didn't realize until I was talking with a friend that that had been my way of denying the reality that I indeed am going back. At this point, I wish I had like one or two more months here, that's all. However, not doing anything from this to prepare and hiding from the reality that will soon be upon me are two very unwise things to do. So I stopped avoiding the plague, strapped up my big girl boots, and opened up a few familiar websites: different hospital's career pages and UIC's nursing page. And I was pleasantly surprised to learn how I felt about it: content and ready. People have been asking me lately, "Are you excited to be going home?"
My reply has quite simply and consistently been, "I wouldn't say excited exactly; more sort of a general and calm 'looking forward' to it. I'm not counting down the days or anything, although I do have a general idea, but I pray to be ready to leave when the time comes."

And that's that.
I leave Vienna on the fifth of July, at which point I will be on my way to Northern Ireland for a little over two weeks. I will be serving on a Scripture Union NI mission team, and about that I will certainly say that I am excited. We will be providing what is more or less a super awesome VBS for kids and families in the Benone area. My friend Jillian is co-leading the team, so it will be fun to work alongside her. Plus I think at least a few other friends will be about when I'm there too, so it should be a fabulous time! Then I'll fly back to Chicago on the twenty-third of July to start whatever God has planned for me Stateside.

Enough about the future. Let's go back into the past for a bit...

Last Saturday, I was blessed with an opportunity to earn a little extra money. I babysat for Noa's au pair family's church's little weekend seminar. My friend Angel was also providing her services as well, so we had a fun time together, although we were both really tired. We didn't have the best directions as to how to get to the church, so we got a little turned around on our journey; however, it provided just enough extra time for a little chick chat, which is always nice. We were with the little babies and toddlers, which I was sort of looking forward to. But when they were all upset because they were either not feeling the greatest or wanting their mommies, I was reevaluating my anticipation. Ha. There was one sweet little baby girl who I finally got to sleep in my arms, which is always a triumph, especially when you are also able to lay her down without her waking up! Wooohooo! Then the older kids came back, two of which I knew from Noa's family, and then it just got crazy. Luckily though, they also came with more adult reinforcements.
I took a few of the older kids to one of the little play places, and one of the boys asked me, "Warum kennst du English?" (Why do you know English)
I said, "Veil ich komme aus den USA." (Because I come from the USA). He was just like, "Oh." It was a pretty special moment. Then one of the girls (she spoke English) held a little flower in her hand. She said, "Do you know what this is?"
"It's a poppy," I replied. "I really like poppies."
"Me too. I picked it for you!" That was a special moment too. I put the flower in my hair and she just smiled at me. Little girls can be so sweet- even sweeter still when you have their approval.

Once we left, I made my way to Kelli, and we took a very round about way to an Italian restaurant where we both ordered pizza to prepare for the 10k the next morning. It was spectacular!

Pizza Viennese: with mozzarella and wurstel! Yum 

The restaurant: Il Sestante

On our way back, we decided to take a peek at what the Life Ball, a huge AIDS fundraiser, was all about at the Rathaus Platz. Andreas had told me earlier that Bill Clinton was going to be there, and so when I relayed that little tidbit to Kelli, she was thrilled and wanted to see him. We thought we'd at least try. We had not planned to stay for very long, but then Adam Lambert started performing on stage, and we were both like, "WHHHHATT?!" So we moved closer so try and at least see the actual stage instead of just the screens broadcasting what was happening. There were so many people, but we were able to get a decent glimpse. Then somebody else important was coming down the center aisle: Hilary Swank!!!! She spoke about The Girl Effect and gave out an award or two. Then Elton John came out a gave a speech. Fergie talked a bit. Then Barbara Eaton came out in her genie garb, and her master's last wish required none other than Bill Clinton to walk out on stage to describe how we are all part of making the master's last wish, no more AIDS victims, come true. It really was a spectacular sight and I am glad we stayed to just take it all in.

Elton John is the one speaking in the middle

L-R: woman MC, Famous Olympic diver, Fergie, Genie's Master, Sir Elton John, Bill Clinton, "Genie" Barbara Eaton, man MC

The lights we really cool. The theme for the event was Arabian Nights, so people were dressed in some pretty interesting outfits and costumes!!

Wow. What a night. On the Strassenbahn ride home, we couldn't stop remarking about the randomness that was what we had just experienced. Also on the Strassenbahn, there were two interesting gentleman going up and down the tram with glass cleaner and paper towels wiping down the windows. I bet they had to have been at least slightly intoxicated, but I couldn't be sure. After they wiped the window, they looked at us, showed us the 'dirt' they'd collected from the glass (there was hardly anything on their towels) and basically said, "You're standing for this low standard? These windows are filthy! And you, you're eating on this tram? How disgusting." The driver took no notice of them though, at least from what I could make out. Seriously... When in Vienna...!

It was rise and shine time about six and a half hours later as we got ready to head to the Frauenlauf! We had to get there early to pick up our numbers and t-shirts--Ahh! So exciting!! We found everything, had a sit to look through our bags at all of our 'freebies' (COOL BLUE Gatorade was one of them---I haven't tasted that sweet nectar in three years!!! I had never done anything in that span of time to really deserve one, at least that's what I told myself), and just took it all in. There was a guy on the main stage leading all the 5k-ers in a warm-up, and then a Zumba session followed! The sun was shining, but it was quite windy which made it chilly when we were just sitting, but during the race, it felt really nice. The 10k started at 10:25, but that was just for starting block A. After that, each one started two minutes after; since I was in block C, I started at 10:29! I planned to time myself anyway, but since I saw no clock at the start, I made sure not to forget to start my watch as soon as my foot hit the mat. This was the first race that I have run since my last outdoor track season at NCC, so May of 2010! Three years is a long time to go without racing after having done it for 8 years straight! I had never raced a 10k before. In outdoor track at NCC I told my coaches that I really didn't ever want to race 6.2 miles! While I was running on Sunday though, I really enjoyed it. So many years of practicing different racing strategies came flooding back to memory, but I had nothing solid to base this race off of. The longest I'd ever raced was 6k in college cross country, so this was a bit more than that! I tried not to start off too fast but at the same time to just let my legs go when they wanted too. I tried to build throughout the whole thing, and I think I did a pretty decent job. It was so fun moving through the packs of people, passing them and leaving them behind! There were a few times I got frustrated when I couldn't pass people, especially when they would slow down, on a slight downhill no less! Crazy! Thirty thousand one hundred women participated in the entire event (5k, 10k, Nordic walking). My finishing time was 48:36 minutes, which converts to about 7:49 min/mile and 4.51 min/km. Not bad at all for my first one, plus that met my quiet goal of finishing in under 50 minutes. I wasn't a complete ball of jelly at the end, but I definitely kicked it in and felt like I'd ran a good race.

As soon as we got to the race area that morning, I felt this old foggy part of myself begin to reawaken; it only continued as the day went on. As I walked along the finishers' path and back to the area where we dropped off our bags, I chugged almost a whole water bottle that was basically thrown at me, and I began to feel those very familiar after-race pleasantries. My throat was sore and dry, my abs were tight and a bit sore, my hips felt a little wobbly- not unlike how Pinocchio most likely felt , I had the start of a very mild headache, my nose was running, and I just wanted my Cool Blue Gatorade!!! As I waited in line for my stuff, I kept my eye out for Kelli, but I didn't see her until my bags had been returned to me and was headed over to a spot to put on a couple warmer layers. And OOOHHH my, that Gatorade tasted better than I remembered! Plus it was a struggle to get the cap off, so when it finally touched my lips, it was just heavenly. I'm sure the endorphins were playing their role, but it was more than that I think. I was so happy and excited to be "back." As soon as I had sat down and eaten my banana and orange, I felt the eagerness begin to build and the desire to quickly to sign up for my next race, whatever the distance may be. I plan to work my way up to a marathon, but I'm not in a rush. Another 10k or a half and some random 5ks in there too sound pretty swell.
I love the fact that I will always be a runner. Always.

Kelli and I! There were supposed to be 4 of us running, but Natalie got injured and Noa was sick. We were also going to wear homemade white tank tops that said "Run for Boston" but that didn't happen. Mind you, we did make the tank tops, but we just didn't wear them because they were at Noa's. 

We were just about to hand over our bags...and  then sit and be pretty chilly for the next hour before starting to warm up for the race!

Finished her first race EVER like an all-star!

Everyone got a medal and small rose! And of course my Gatorade was long gone by this point!

The main stage

Enjoying a Manner biscuit :)

Being amused by this super cute kid... as shown below...

Ha..it looks like his legs are huge..haha. Cute.

The finish!!!! ...On our way out to catch the bus, on which we nearly fell asleep. 

A few hours later, we made our way to church where Liz, our dear friend and favorite Canadian, would be in attendance for the last time. Lots of people asked Kelli and I about the race, so it was fun to talk about it some more there too! It was all I could do to keep my eyes open during the service, but I managed with only a few major nod-offs. Afterwards we stayed to eat pizza and hang out and listen to Erin's encouraging chat about her work with Intervarsity back in the States. It was really cool to hear about all she's doing and to partner with her in prayer for all the big things that God is doing and that the ministry will bring to the campus. Hearing her stories made me nostalgic for Focus and campus ministry life at NCC, but it was all well and good :)

No race day was ever complete for me until the "debrief" with my parents had happened, especially in college when they were not able to come to as many of my meets, so I was looking forward to that part of the day as well. My mom even wrote a sweet comment on my Facebook wall to cheer me on; I was slightly embarrassed but still loved and appreciated every word! They've always been my biggest fans and best source of support, therefore I was highly anticipating our Skype conversation when I got home. Thanks, Mom and Dad!! :)

Since I still had/have a cold, I've taken it easy this week as far as running goes. It's been oddly cold and windy here lately, therefore to try and actually get my cold away, I've been trying to stay inside. I ran Tuesday though, which was good. I knew it wouldn't be smart to go more than one day after the race  without running. Alas, today is a holiday so we're all at home from work and school. I had a lot of different things that I wanted to get done this week, picking the songs for Sunday's worship service and playing a lot of guitar being a couple of those things. Sunday will be my second to last time leading worship at the Chapel... I'm sure I'll have more to say about that experience as a whole a bit later on...

About a month ago or so, Jessi told me this quotation she heard and discussed in her grad program. I am glad she shared it with me because it has really stuck and been a good reminder. I suppose I am just trying to live more in the middle:

"Preset past is memory. Present present is attentiveness. Present future is expectation." 

I do not and have not said this enough, but THANK YOU to all of you who read this, laugh at my attempts to be humorous, love me, pray for me, listen to me, encourage me, support me, challenge me, and make me smile.

God, thank you for your unfailing love and grace and for arms and legs that can run and skip and jump. Please help me to not take it for granted.


Until the next time,

~Sarah